or am i the liar

thinking and thinking about it i've come to realize one thing . i made lies about saying you we're the liar . i never doubted your i love yous. i never doubted you saying how much i meant to you . i never doubted anything you said . all of me saying, oh those are just lies and blah lies lies lies, i realized, i was the one lying . i covered up the fact that i really felt dissapointed in the end . stupid reason ? well yes, but let me elaborate . i still always felt jealous of the fact of that one other friend you got there . the one who i felt you spent more time with . the one who you talk to more, even when im there as well . i just became extremely jealous, and that got me . i just started throwing a tantrum and just made up stuff, making you seem like the bad guy, when really it was just me . im not saying i did some horrible things or not, i was just talking crap about you not meaning what you say and you're just telling me shit . i never really meant that, it was just my anger getting the best of me. also, im just expecting way to much . as for being dissapointed, thats true too . i just really get so irritated at the point when i find that we don't spend any time together. its always on the interent or something . thats the only place where we really connect and whenever i hear that im going to be with you some day, i get overly excited thinking you'll stay by me the whole time, you'll never leave my side, i basically think i have you for the whole day . boy, am such a fucking idiot for thinking that . why do i get my expectations so high, and because of this i get hurt in the end . it ends up not happening that way . but thats all my fault, im getting my hopes up way to high . so basically, what im saying out of all of this . im not doubting you anymore . well i never was . i just said that because i needed some way to cover the real fact that i was just really hurt inside . either from me being jealous, or just my own personal mishap of thinking things would go my way . instead of just saying that, i let jealousy and anger blind me and saying things i never really should have said. and im sorry for that . but in the end, i really do love you . i guess i love you so much it makes me do crazy things. haha